Silence was what you told me with a frown
because you couldn't envision a world
without these things that make
you want to leave without a note or anything
that would explain just why you had to go.
But I know now that we
were kids
that kicked rocks like they were
boomerangs that would always come on back--
Like they were made to do that.
But, salty, broken-promise whispers
were my only return when
you told me it was
the wind that held onto your hair
and kept you from going anywhere.
So, with a sigh,
we'll live on our separate lives
and try to find ways not to sympathize
with all those that had come before
with a kamikaze concept of forever.
++Once again, a draft for those that still blog++ This still has quite a way to go....but I am, once again, encouraging you to post.
This is me giving you your validation:
ReplyDeleteI love the 6th stanza. As if the speaker wasn't the reason the person being talked to stuck around...
When you say "Still your name,/it still burned..."
the two 'stills' sound repetitive. Upon the first read, I naturally skipped over the 2nd still before realizing it was there when I read it another time.
"Kamikaze concept of forever" is definitely my favorite part.
I also noticed some rhyme during important points of the poem. While doing the poetry unit in December with 8th grade, I never really noticed how rhyme in a poem has that neon sign effect, as well as line breaks etc. It's cool being able to pick up on all that.
Regardless, very nice! Also read "Because, I" on the dashboard. Still love "angsty apathy", along with "separating the salt from the sea" in that one.
So happy this is back up! Many great lines in here! I like how you isolated "Like they were made to do that". It is an effective line that connects with the third stanza involving the rocks. I also like the fountain and ocean metaphor in the 7th stanza. I LOVE the intro of this poem! It's great! After reading it over many times I thought that "or anything that would explain just why you had to go" in the 2nd stanza restates the line before it with the 'not leaving a note'. The 6th and 7th stanza's are very strong and nice and are my favorite parts. I think how when the speaker writes that this person never leaves a note to explain why they are gone, totally connects to the speaker keeping him/her from leaving with the wind metaphor.(Which is a GREAT metaphor by the way). This also relates to boomerangs and how they always come back and as children they are taught to think this and as the speaker gets older, things are truly different.(Like how the person is the boomerang that is supposed to come back to the speaker but never does). I am thinking that the name burning on New Year means a new beginning, trying to move on sort of thing. I am kinda stuck on the last two lines in stanza 8. I also really like your last line. "A kamikaze concept of forever" is VERY nice and a great use of diction. The tone is very sorrowful. I like this poem alot!
ReplyDelete